Wednesday, March 02, 2005

State Legislatures declared Unconstitutional

In what many in the mainstream media characterized as a somewhat surprising move, U. S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, early this morning, struck down all state legislatures as yet another violation of the 8th Amendment of the U. S. Constitution. Kennedy indicated that having to put up with the tortured reasoning, poor language skills and uncouth behavior of state legislators was clearly cruel and unusual punishment for the entire American people, not to mention the U. S. Supreme Court.

Further, Justice Kennedy said he was troubled by what foreigners [or as he referred to them, “our betters”] would think of the United States if state legislatures continued to be a force in American life. For all of those reasons and a number he declined to discuss, Justice Kennedy declared the state legislatures as unconstitutional and more importantly, he said, just downright annoying to him.

The justice announced the above “per curious,” decision in an impromptu press conference he held while sitting up in bed. He said this idea just came upon him, during his slumber, either from the euphoria he felt from announcing the majority opinion striking down laws in 19 states that authorized the death penalty for 16 and 17 year olds or from the euphoria he experienced from meth.

Kennedy, a Ronald Reagan appointee, commented that using his bed as an intellectual platform was one of a number of values he shared with Hugh Hefner, doing some of his best thinking and work, that is, from his bed and while in his pajamas, or as he referred to them, his PJs.

When asked by the press whether the work of the state legislatures would be taken over by the U. S. Supreme Court or by the state courts, Justice Kennedy said he had not decided that yet, but that the four most liberal justices and he would discuss and decide that later today over breakfast. Justice Kennedy indicated that Justices Souter, Ginsburg, Stevens and Breyer had formed a new working majority and he doubted that the other justices would be consulted on such matters in the future.

However, Justice Kennedy did think that a representative coalition of international figures should be formed to keep the new Supreme Court working majority apprised of international opinion, as he thought that fairly soon world opinion would replace the U. S. Constitution, which clearly had become outdated and in a word, obsolete.

Indeed, when asked if he could decide this matter in the absence of (1) the constitutionally required “case or controversy,” and (2) a majority of the Court, Justice Kennedy answered quickly that such constitutional requirements were quaint and need not be observed in this Age of Enlightenment. And, as to the majority requirement, the other four liberal justices had acknowledged they “owed him one,” for his death penalty vote yesterday, and thus he was sure they would support his abolition of state legislatures and, therefore, he had met the majority requirement.

Live, from outside Justice Kennedy’s bedroom, this is Jeff Berkowitz of “Public Affairs,” saying, “back to you, Antonio.”
Jeff Berkowitz, Host and Producer of Public Affairs and an Executive Recruiter doing Legal Search, can be reached at